22. Boston.

I am a sad white boy.

I like comedy, baseball and pizza.

Talk to me, I'm usually not so bad.


This was retweeted by Roxane Gay and I’ve never been more proud.

This was retweeted by Roxane Gay and I’ve never been more proud.

"I like comedy, baseball and pizza."

I have become a parody of myself.

My first real girlfriend was Mormon

That’s not actually an important part of this story, but it also totally is.

We dated in senior year of high school, and one night I was at her house playing Apples to Apples with her family. Again, she was Mormon. 

It was her turn. If you’re unfamiliar with the game, she draws a card and then everyone else plays a card from their hand that’s related in a hopefully funny way. Her card was “crazy.”

From my deck, I played “girlfriend.”

It was pretty funny, I thought. Her sister even laughed a little bit. My girlfriend did not laugh a little bit. It was basically the opposite of a laugh, which is not just the absence of a laugh. It’s like, a visibly offended scowl. 

She then threw her cards at me and left the room. I stayed and finished the game with her family. I was not a good boyfriend. 


Tired of having to recite all of your personal facts when meeting new people? Sick of repeating where you work, your hometown and how you know the party host? 

Try wearing a sandwich board around your neck, with all of your personal tidbits on it! A great shoulder workout, your hands remain free, and you don’t have to talk! If anyone tries to start smalltalk with you, just tell them to “read the sign, punk.”

You’re welcome!